The Fractured History of Remixes
As everyone knows, over the years U2 has authorized thousands of DJs to remix their songs. These remixes have popped up everywhere in real or digital space. Some of these have been found circling other stars in other galaxies. Even theoretical physicists have claimed that the emptiest vacuum in outer space contains a quantum churning foam of Love Is Bigger remixes popping into and out of existence.
This all-pervasiveness has driven U2 collectors crazy. Just when they thought their collection was complete, some DJ on Pluto (no longer a planet) released, to name just a recent example, a podcast streaming to hyperspace (space with a nervous condition) that contained, starting at 26:41, a new edit of the re-remix, Discotheque (Boink me In Toledo). This new edit has The Edge singing “The Walrus was Paul” backward in Swedish in a low, yet mellifluous voice.
Now the previous remix, Discotheque (Boink me In Toledo) without The Edge had already been released, as everyone knows, on the 2001 collection, “Famous Dance and Cake Mixes with Crisco”, Crisco was a shortened name for DJ Lard. This was back in the day when there were hard copies. It's on the Betty Crocker label and still available slightly used along the Amazon River. It has been whispered, in lines waiting for entrance to dance clubs in cities across outer Mongolia, that this groundbreaking release might show up next month on vinyl. Think of that.
Collectors at first scoffed, however, at this hyperspace release. “Can we buy this new edit anywhere?” they yelled. Back at this time they couldn't. That didn't stop hardcore collectors from purchasing Moscow pressed CDR versions. The Kremlin had assured everyone on Discogs and eBay these were official. But then the “Walrus” edit, as it soon became known, was discovered by astronomers during a routine listen to the CMB (cosmic microwave background). This version of the Walrus edit played out 2 seconds shorter according to their atomic clock. This particular 2 seconds shorter Walrus edit was not even available in Japan on any SHM CD. Think of that!
What's a fan gonna do? How are we supposed to carry on with the drudgery of our lives? Where can we get this 2 seconds shorter edit? And for that matter, what is the CMB?
Hey...I think my atomic clock stopped.
To soothe collector's anguish over this remix conundrum, we invited world-renowned DJ and musicologist Dr. Peter Van Nostrand to attend our latest U2 chat session to give us some background on remixes in general.
The following section is taken from his notes. These notes had been submitted in strict article form, with footnotes all correctly punctuated, to the “Musicology Review” at University College in Dublin. Unfortunately, Dr. Van Nostrand's paper was rejected (with impunity) and the college sent two goons to kick him in the shins. Nonetheless,
I have copied part of them here.
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Before we get into the specifics of remixes, I thought we should start by providing a short history of early attempts at musical remixes.
Image found carved on cave wall in Southern France
Early Neanderthal DJ Ugh Glugh works on the remix, The Sound of Tree Falling In Forest (Ugh Glugh Remix)
Note the Windows 3000 BC computer
These are the actual stems from the tree that fell in the forest used in his remix
Mozart's children pause from their work remixing “The Marriage of Figaro”
In the 60's, early remixers met with hostility from “the man”
From directions found on the crashed UFO at Roswell, the invention of the microchip led to simpler remix possibilities
Dr. Van Nostrand leads a party of Mensa candidates
After our U2 chat concluded, U2 fans at the Old Folks Home cut a rug
